Curry Cleanse

People are always asking me how it is that I don’t appear to age, and despite having potentially the most inconsistent diet imaginable do not seem to gain any weight. Well I have decided to share my secret with my loyal readers. Simply put every few weeks I subject myself to what I refer to as the curry cleanse.

It is simple enough at first, simply consume around two litres of insanely hot curry prepared in questionable conditions along with a similar quantity of lassi. Lassi is sort of a yoghurt and water beverage with a taste not dissimilar to cottage cheese. The primary function of the lassi in this case is to take the edge off of the burning sensation caused by the curry… at least on the intake side of the equation.

Things get a bit more complicated when your system realizes it is now full of a hateful witches brew of foreign bacteria and a near lethal level of curry. The sensation is not unlike that experienced by a deep sea creature brought to the surface, essentially explosive decompression.

A few things make the whole process a bit less painful. Without them one may end up weeping like a soap opera actress and praying to every god they have ever heard of for a merciful and quick death. First and foremost is the rectal equivalent of an eye wash station, this is necessary as the napalm-like substance being expelled from your body has flesh melting characteristics that are potentially harmful to your long term survival. This device is colloquially known as the ‘Bum Gun

Additionally it is wise to familiarize oneself with ‘the recovery position‘ as there is a not entirely remote chance that some of the contents of ones stomach will attempt an upward egress.

Since one only consumes about four litres of material at the onset of this exercise the fact that upwards of eight litres of material is expelled clearly indicates, to me at least, that some toxins or spare internal organs are shed in the process. I am fairly certain that being horrifically unpleasant and potentially dangerous are requirements for holistic medicine in general.

So there you have it, get food poisoning by overeating curry too hot to be consumed in the first place, spend at least 24 hours within the confines of the bathroom, and you will feel great when it is all over… At least by comparison to the previous day anyhow.

DCIM999GOPRO

Forever shall I remember the scene of my most recent near death experience

DCIM999GOPRO

This is not so much the recovery position as the position my corpse will most likely be found in

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