Fell out of a plane today
I slept in until around two am or so and then wandered around annoying cats and hedgehogs alike until it seemed like coffee was no longer merely a distant desire but a driving need, like the sudden urge to pee children have the moment the car exits city limits.
Coffee brewing and the sun beginning to rise I casually glanced at the drop zone location to ensure I would arrive on time, it was then that I realized it was in fact and hour and a half away and the plane was taking off in just over an hour.
A pleasant leisurely morning thus became a chaotic whirlwind of jet black coffee inhaled from a travel mug while breaking several speed laws, some of man, some of physics, and at exactly nine am we pulled into a parking lot that bore a striking resemblance to a field with cars randomly abandoned in it.
After signing various forms indicating that I was in fact aware that falling from 12000 feet was dangerous and that I would endeavor not to rise from the dead a strangely litigious zombie I was whisked away to a room to watch what I hoped would be an informative video, I was not disappointed as I learned that loud music suddenly occurs whilst skydiving and that ones face tends to stretch hilariously during free fall. In short I was somewhat underwhelmed by the video but undeterred I sallied forth to the large training area where a fellow named Ryan described in detail the various ways in which I might avoid death, the parts I was awake for were transcendent.
There was a brief interlude wherein we donned the safety apparel and then walked out to our plane, a tiny craft devoid of seats or accouterments save the numerous ‘sick bags’ positioned about the craft, this did not seem to bode well. As the plane steadily rose and the pressure upon my bladder rose with it I pondered the fact that at no point did anyone suggest a visit to the restroom prior to encasing myself in what amounts to a wet suit and some kind of S&M harness.
At this point my philosophical musings were interrupted by a sudden decrease in both cabin pressure and temperature, I glanced forward just in time to witness the sudden disappearance of the couple who had been seated before me and next to the now open door. The fellow to whom I was tethered, for my own safety I was told, began directing me toward the door despite the clear danger of falling from the craft and to our deaths.
For reasons I cannot explain I chose to comply with Dave, the aforementioned fellow, and commit group suicide with the now absent and surely hurtling to their deaths couple who had until recently been seated before me. The next thing I know I am staring directly into the sun and wondering why I chose to wear loafers that in no way shape or form adhere to my feet in a manner sufficient to the task of not falling upon the heads of those below me at great speed, then my revere ceased for a moment as I pondered the aircraft above me gaining distance at a rather alarming rate.
I had expected to hit the ground at high speed and in short order, what I did not count on was exactly how long it takes for one to fall from a plane. Several seconds passed by as I contemplated my shoes and if they would likely be waiting for me at the bottom like so much long dead relative. There was still time to wonder about the somewhat firmly gripping groin strap attached to my chute, not so much wondering as to its purpose but as to the damage it will inflict upon deploying the chute. While I wondered if perhaps it would be better to simply hit the ground or risk the complete destruction of my genital region Dave chose to deploy our chute without so much as taking a vote. Suddenly our cameraman Anthony hurtled out of sight, as did everything else, blinding pain shot upwards from my thighs to shoulders as the combined weight of a fellow named Dave and myself began compressing my torso and groin.
The staggering shock of the event quickly faded as I began to notice how not dissimilar the landscape was to a model train set. Tiny trees and squared off patches of land indicative of modern agriculture rose up toward me when I became acutely aware that with each turn and bank a new wave of crushing testicular assault began, needless to say we circled quite a bit to maintain our position over the landing site.
Anthony our intrepid cameraman both filmed and took photos of the entire ordeal. both can be seen below.
Video of my doom : Both entertaining and captures the timeline accurately in that we ascend for about ten minutes then fall for about two.