I’m going to hell. Whose coming with me?

Categories:Adventures, Canada, Vancouver
Vagabond Tim
So after years of telling me to go to hell to no avail my mother decided that we were going on a road trip. The place is literally called hells gate and there is a quote from Simon Fraser about how horrible it is, honestly its a gorgeous although fairly steep place. The real downside to it is actually goddamn salmon.

Everyone loves the stupid fishes that swim themselves to death en masse every year. Hurray for the smell of bloating rotting fish carcasses. Hurray for the suddenly interested in meat not berries grizzly bears. And once again hurray for the stupid fish that gather in a giant fishkake circle and spray their ‘milt’ into the water we all share. Thanks fish, thanks a damn lot.

Anyhow, there is also an airtram thing, they claim it’s the only descending tram blah blah blah. No one seems bothered by the fact that EVERY tram ascends and descends, that’s HOW THEY WORK!

Along the way we saw various shanty’s full of hobos selling wreckage of yore. My mom claimed that they were antiques and knick-knacks, I believe she is suffering from the early stages of dementia. The entire area however is composed of the descendants of gold panning mountain-folk who now make a living off of the tourism generated by those same mountainfolk so it IS theoretically possible that those people genuinely believe that a stack of records and an 8-track player were a good purchase.

The main attraction though is supposedly an informational film about salmon. It is just non-stop fish porn. There are sound effects, close ups on salmon faces as they ‘release milt’ as well as quite a bit of horrifically unnecessary cgi that will haunt my nightmares for years to come. Truly this is a place no human should venture.

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Yeah… It’s a goddamned ‘haunted’ stove. I guess the worlds tallest dwarf and worlds shortest giant were unavailable when they were deciding on attractions.

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“A place where no human should venture, for surely these are the gates of Hell.” -Simon Fraser. Clearly he was writing in the hopes no one would every check the places he “explored.”

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A statue to commemorate the brave fish, entitled:
Faces of Spawning, the moment of Fishgasm

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