It is a microwave, not a bomb

Vagabond Tim

So I live with and work with this guy who I am certain hums the mission impossible theme and does dive rolls when using the microwave, I am certain of this as he seems to believe it is in fact a bomb. Every day I return from work to find between one and five seconds remaining on the microwave like some sort of countdown to the apocalypse. The same thing occurs when I arrive at work following his shift.

I picture him at home heading to his room and dressing as a member of the bomb squad, rolling down the hallway and peeking around the corner, sneaking silently to the microwave. Checking over his shoulder to ensure everyone including the cat is at a safe distance before inserting a hungry-man or some other non food emergency ration level substance into the microwave and setting the time for a few seconds longer than required.

Standing patiently and on guard watching the seconds tick away while sweat drips from his brow, chewing nervously on his lower lip the timer reaches double digits and still he waits. Heart pounding in his chest as the timer reaches nine he begins to softly count along ensuring his timing will be perfect, as the timer hits five he springs into action.

Driving his finger hard into the button that opens the door, exposing the radioactive elements within he grabs them with swift and assured movements, throwing them mightily into the waiting steel drum before leaping to the ground to avoid the explosion. Moments later having survived yet again our intrepid hero gathers his now mangled foodstuffs and scurries off to his computer once more, without having closed the door entirely.

Having long wondered if he had some sort of reason for doing this, like some sort of beeping related post traumatic stress disorder I decided to ask him what exactly his reasoning was. This led to one of the stupidest arguments I have ever been involved in.

It is his assertion that in fact the time left on the microwave is ‘unused’ and to hit reset causes it to be in some way wasted, the fact that he resets the microwave before each use seems to be irrelevant.

I posit a similar theory that the microwaves are trapped in some kind of stasis hell when remaining in that state, and yes I fully admit to picturing them as tiny smurf like beings. The result of this being that not only do I allow the allotted time to occur, I often also leave my food in the microwave for a few moments, partially to allow the heat levels to even out, and partially to ensure all the microsmurfs have time to return to their tiny homes before being exposed to the outside world which I assume is fatal to them as I never see them attempting escape.

As a final statement I will concede the above is pure insanity and the actual reason it bothers me is that I, apparently alone among the multitudes of humanity, am able to set the clock on a microwave. I set this clock largely so when I am cooking I do not need to check my phone every few seconds to ensure things are not overdone, specifically pan frying steaks which is a fairly brief process.

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