Private Reserve Chili

Vagabond Tim

Purveyors of Chili based lies…

Lies and pictures of also lies

Warning: Not fit for human consumption, if accidentally swallowed contact poison control immediately! DO NOT INDUCE VOMITING, that will just happen on its own

As you are no doubt aware for a brief period of time your company; or more likely some rat bastard in the marketing department; decided it was time to break into what I presume to be a 1950’s era stockpile of fallout chili, having determined the likelihood of Russian nuclear aggression no longer outweighed the potential benefits to society at large caused by the reintroduction of this oh so irreplaceable and precious stockpile of chili.

My confusion stems largely from the use of the term “Private Reserve”, ordinarily defined as:  To keep back, as for future use or for a special purpose, to set or cause to be set apart for a particular person or use, or to keep or secure for oneself.  It appears Stagg has determined a more accurate definition to be: In no way different from “Classic” or “Original”, which begs the question does anyone at your company speak English as a first language? or do you prefer to simply abuse it in the same darkened sewers where you brew the aforementioned cans of putrid toxin hereto forth referred to as “Chili”.

This semisolid abomination is currently available only on eBay at a starting price of $10 American, in what I can only assume to be some sort of hipster ironic purchase capacity, or perhaps as a prop on a future episode of fear factor.

In summary, were your product even bordering on a foodstuff I would find your usage of a term generally ‘reserved’ for items of unusually high quality and rarity to be inappropriate, however given the weaponized nature of the “Chili” in question it transcends mere offence.

Sincerely

The Vagabond


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