Smoke’em if you got’em
I was however thrilled to be on the ground and not dead in the ocean somewhere. The problems started in the Manila airport. After I had waited in line for about an hour to have my ticket checked and so on before boarding the flight they restarted the entire process for reasons I cannot fathom. So our departure time ended up being about two hours later than anticipated.
This was obviously going to be a very long flight so I figured I would just get some sleep, when I found my seat I knew this was not going to happen. Somehow I always end up in the very far rear seats that do not recline. I don’t know what airline god I have angered but this has been happening for a very long time.
So thus seated in the back of the plane and unable to recline I decide the best use of my time in an aisle seat next to the bathroom was to drink an absurd amount of coffee and watch a bunch of odd foreign movies I ordinarily would not sit through. Between the movie inspired boredom and the vast amounts of coffee I made many a visit to the washroom, which brings me to one of my favorite things in life…
There are few things as rare and special as urinating at over thirty thousand feet, the floor moves like the deck of a ship at sea as you hurtle through the sky at speeds mankind was never meant to go, protected only by a thin aluminum cylinder. I will admit that if the plane simply ceased to exist mid-flight one would most likely urinate before hitting the ground, but they wouldn’t enjoy it nearly as much.
We encountered fairly severe turbulence at least a half a dozen times. The captain would come over the PA asking the crew to sit in the closest available seats and buckle up. The space waitresses would dive for chairs. The plane would jump around in a desperate attempt to pour coffee onto my lap. Luckily, after so many cups of coffee, I had attained an almost mystical reaction time and was able to not only prevent spills but continue drinking and watching movies.
Somehow I must have lost consciousness in my seat, possibly some sort of caffeine overdose… or I was drugged by the flight crew so I would stop making them bring me coffee… either is possible. Anyway I awoke with a start to find the plane shaking quite violently again, and I must have still been partially asleep as I heard the captain say “Buckle your seat belts, smoke’em if you got’em were going down!”
At that point I decided that if I was going to die in a fiery plane crash anyway, I would get a few more minutes sleep. The plane touched down in Vancouver, apparently unharmed and without any gremlin claw marks on the wing. Clearly I had merely lost my mind at some point during the flight and unfortunately regained my senses just in time to realize that even in the middle of what should be summer, Canada is windy and friggan cold.