Why I fear krampus

Vagabond Tim

OK sit back and relax…
No not that far, you can’t read from there…
Damn kids…
Anyhow, So this requires some explaining and yes you might even learn something…

The only thing you need to know is that Krampus is a weird German demon with hooves that beats the shit out of naughty children. I guess Germans figured coal was too good for them or something.

Now I don’t know what exactly qualifies one as naughty but I once fought an angel with a machete on Christmas so I am pretty sure the arguable shit I do isn’t important anymore.
Now I hear you, Christmas is nowhere near now but being in Canada is like being a Stark, you never forget that winter is coming.
The whole angel thing was like two years ago you say, what about last year you ask. Well those of you paying attention will remember that I was in Bangladesh last Christmas having a pretty uneventful day. I’m pretty sure all Christmas stuff is prohibited there, including but not limited to Krumpi or other German child abuse demons.

So yeah, that’s why now, being in Canada I am worried.

What? Oh the angel thing… It’s a long story but here goes…

In December 2014 I was in New Zealand, which meant it was mid summer and hot as hell. For some reason we (the hotel people) were conscripted into building a float for a parade. This meant we needed bamboo, because nothing screams Christmas like bamboo… The grove of bamboo nearby grew in the neighbors yard.
The human neighbors were fine, they however owned a goat. A crappy little goat that kept sneaking into my room and eating things. I’d chase her, she’d bite me a little, it was our thing.
Anyhow so I go into the yard and do not see this goat. I had stationed Sandra as lookout but that was a mistake as she is either useless or a goat collaborator as within a few swings the machete was torn from my hands by this goddamned goat. She had just walked past Sandra and bit the back of the machete and then ran off.
That would have been fairly bad, but she turned and ran at me.

Now I’m thinking at that moment that getting killed by a goat with a machete on a Christmas day in the middle of summer was probably the not the way I expected to go, but it does sort of make sense if you know me. As she neared I remembered that goats are stupid and pulled some expert matador shit (I grabbed the handle and turned). The problem was that I couldn’t use this machete as a weapon against the neighbors goat so I essentially had only one hand and it was full of bamboo.
Long story short I beat a goat with a bamboo stick and spent all of Christmas day nursing goat bites.

So yeah this Christmas I expect a scene not unlike this.


Angel Aka Murdergoat


Gravity and fences mean nothing to murdergoat


Goat-conspirator #1


The ‘parade’ this was all for

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