Why I haven’t posted recently

Vagabond Tim
In a word Ark.

For those who have no idea what that is it’s basically a farm simulator with dinosaurs…
As much as minecraft is a mining simulator anyway.
For purposes of entertainment value the following is a narrative from the perspective of my character who was generated at random as I angrily pressed buttons…

“When I woke up the first thing I noticed was that I was cold.
This made sense because I was lying face down on the beach wearing only underpants, what did not make sense was why I didn’t remember anything. Despite not remembering I was fairly sure I wore clothes most of the time, also the underpants weren’t the kind you can buy in a store. They were some kind of custom linen things.
So whoever or whatever put me on this island stripped me naked, fashioned me tailored underpants, and then tossed me face first onto a beach. I’ve had worse mornings so I decide to roll with it.

Being friggan cold my first task seemed pretty obvious, so I started building a campfire.
For some reason or another I needed stones and flint to make a fire.
I start punching a tree, I won’t bore you with the specifics but punching a tree and picking a rock off the beach somehow resulted in an axe that I used to chop stones…

Eventually and despite making no sense I had an axe, a small campfire, and a little thatch house. I felt safe.

That’s when the T-rex attacked me.

I’d like to say I fought it off, I’d like to say I was able to run. I’d like to say a lot of things but they would be lies.
Over and over I awoke with nothing only to be ripped apart by snakes, t-rexs, or any number of unidentifiable monsters from Earth’s history.

When the grinding endless dying finally relented for a few moments I began amassing an army of small spitting lizards. Individually they weren’t much of a threat but when five of them are distracting a raptor I was able to run up and spear it, most of the time.

As time progressed and my tribe grew to include someone far less incompetent than myself I was able to shoot a pair of stegosaurus is the face with tranquilizer darts and steal myself an egg. Since he has no idea what his name is anyway I have been calling him Plateface.”

In only a few short hours he ceased being carryable

By morning he was as big as me

Not happy with being a human sized dinocow he kept eating. He reminded me of this caterpillar I read about once

He eventually ended up goddamn enormous, as stegosaurus are know to do

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